Twenty-year-old Emily Johnson recognizes the stigma associated with children of divorce, and said she thinks people often wonder how well she can handle relationships and whether she's a stable person.
"When I tell people my parents are divorced, I get a shocked look and normally people get really quiet and I then have to explain the situation," said Emily Johnson, 22, a sophomore from Chicago majoring in political science.
The dominant culture's emphasis on marriage and family tends to cast a shadow on children who come from broken homes, she said.
"If the guy is going to think so little of me, then I wouldn't want to waste my time there anyway," Johnson said.
Similarly, Jake Larsen, 23, a senior from Orem, said he used to hide the fact that his parents were divorced, but he now uses his dates' reaction to the news as a measuring tool.
He thinks people assume children of divorce "come into relationships with some type of emotional baggage."
But that's not always true.
"They assume because your parents didn't have a successful marriage you will have more difficulty in forming a successful marriage," said Mandy Beckstrom, a 19-year-old political science major. "People should be less judgmental of students from divorced parents."
Nicholas H. Wolfinger, assistant professor of family and consumer studies at the University of Utah, has studied the effects of divorce on children for more than three decades.
The most recent research suggests children with divorced parents are one-and-a-half times more likely to divorce as compared to children with an intact family.
The good news is that rate is decreasing. In 1973, children with divorced parents were three times more likely to divorce.
Wolfinger believes society is shaping this trend.
Fifty years ago the divorce rate was much lower, so if a child's parents divorced he received a much stronger message about marital stability and marital commitment, Wolfinger said, because he was the "only one in (his) neighborhood" with divorced parents.
Today, divorce is more accepted and common so divorce doesn't affect children quite as drastically.
Despite the decline in divorce among children from broken homes, Wolfinger does not expect the trend to continue indefinitely.
Barbara Morrell, licensed psychologist in the Counseling and Career Center, said for many students whose parents are divorced, eventually divorce themselves is a real fear.
"I think students whose parents are divorced feel as if their family has failed somehow or everyone else's family is perfect," Morrell said, adding that it is sometimes harder for children of divorce to know what a healthy marriage is like but they can learn by getting close to married couples, such as siblings or other relatives.
Students should also realize their parent's divorce is not their fault and it is not "a personal failure," she said.
Marriage and family expert and Religion Professor Douglas Brinley, said divorce is a factor in successful relationships, but shouldn't be an overriding consideration.
"I think it's a red flag, but that doesn't mean you can't take it down," he said.
When Jen Berger first breaks the news that her parents are divorced, she said most people expect her to have a sob story about her life. She said people are surprised she's not different.
Surprisingly, students with divorced parents claim they know more about marriage and dating than people might expect.
Larsen, a Spanish and French major, said he is more "realistic." He said he won't run away the first time a problem arises, because he understands that problems in marriage are normal.
Berger realizes marriage isn't a "fairy tale," and goes into relationships with "eyes wide open."
"People believe in love at first sight. I don't believe in that at all," she said.
Beckstrom is conservative in matters of love too.
"I'm not as quick to give my heart away," said Beckstrom, a senior from Santa Monica, Calif. " I know how much it hurts when it fails and how much work it takes to make a marriage successful."
The increased commitment and caution Johnson has toward dating is a result of not wanting to go through what she saw her parents go through.
This is the most common and heartfelt sentiment among students of divorce. They don't want to expose their children to the kind of pain they experienced and are motivated to work even harder. As a result, Berger vows, "there's no backing out."
This practical attitude leads most children of divorce to decry the all-too-common quick courtships so prevalent in Provo.
"You've been hurt and saw the pain and struggles," Beckstrom said. "The best marriages come between best friends. Quick marriages are dangerous. You're going to spend eternity with this person."
Larsen said he feels less hurried in courtship because he's seen that it is easier to get married than to actually stay married.
Whether it's been a month or five years since the divorce, the challenges never end.
Morrell said the real trouble with divorce begins when people feel the issues in their family get in the way of their own relationships, but said books, classes and counseling can help overcome barriers.
She said students should also realize they're not alone in their family problems, develop healthy friendships with all types of people as a means of increasing their relationship skills and work through relationship fears as they arise.
Wolfinger said on average, students with divorced parents don't complete as much education as those with married parents. They're more likely to get pregnant out of wedlock, have smoking problems and even die sooner.
But some students with divorce in their family's past are determined to not make it part of the future.
"I'm trying to make myself a complete person-the kind of person I want to marry," Beckstrom said. "Rather than looking for the one, I become the one."
Berger said although she misses having her parents as a "unified, decision making team," she said she doesn't use her unsure support system as an excuse. Rather, it's a motivation to prove she can make her way regardless of her parents.
Copyright Brigham Young University 4 Apr 2003
