More victims of breast cancer exist than just the women diagnosed. Family members and close friends can suffer emotional pain also.

Friends and family often have feelings similar to the patient's, said Shelly Eyre, a social worker at Central Utah Cancer.

"A lot of friends and family want to be strong and positive for the patient, but you also have to be real about it," Eyre said. "You have to face your feelings and not be ashamed to get support and help. Don't be afraid to say you need help too."

Locally, the Central Utah Cancer Center offers education and service classes, relaxation classes, family group support, online support, and many opportunities for families and friends to talk about it.

Often, Eyre said, it is a major help for families and friends to know their feelings are normal, acceptable and manageable.

Utah Cancer Foundation is another Utah organization that provides services and programs for those who are having trouble dealing with the suffering of their loved one. The foundation offers support for both cancer patients and their families during diagnosis, treatment and recovery.

Anne Jensen, development director at the Utah Cancer Foundation, said the diagnosis of cancer in a spouse, partner, friend or parent can be an overwhelmingly shocking event that leaves these people feeling frightened and confused.

Sometimes, family and friends may also become obsessed with trying to fix the problem, Jensen said.

"Feelings cannot be fixed, and listening is often the best 'fix' you can give," Jensen said. "Your ability to sit with someone who is sharing those feelings can be the most significant contribution that you will make to your loved one's well-being."

Common feelings family and friends of breast cancer patients may experience are:

* fear and anxiety

* grief and sorrow

* anger

* vulnerability

* extreme worry

* possible denial

* shock, fear

* depression

* survivor guilt- "why them not me?" mentality

* helplessness and hopelessness

* focus on only the sickness consuming their life

* pessimism

* physical ailments

Source: Shelly Eyre and the Utah Cancer Foundation

According to Eyre, the worst thing for these family members and friends is to hold in their feelings as an attempt to be strong for the breast cancer victim. The best thing to do to is to get help and talk through feelings, she said.

During the illness, those involved may find it helpful to:

* get answers from both the health care professionals and emotional counselors involved to any questions or anxieties that arise.

* make contact with support groups run by many illness-related organizations, such as The Anti-Cancer Foundation, the Brigham Young University Counseling Center, or any cancer support organization, all of which can be found online.

* talk to someone who has been through a similar experience.

* keep in contact with close friends or relatives who will understand your feelings and give support.

* try to keep communication open and honest with the victim as the illness progresses.

* gain knowledge about the disease in general to empower family members and friends.

There are also things loved ones and friends can do in order to not feel helpless. According to Jensen these are:

* Listen. This is a challenge when a person we love faces a life-threatening illness. It is

important to listen without judging and without "cheerleading."

* Stay connected. Cancer treatment is often lengthy; people with cancer often express that "people don't call any more" after the initial crisis of diagnosis. Checking in regularly over the long haul is tremendously helpful.

* Be specific about the help you can offer. Saying "call me if you need something" can put

your loved one in an uncomfortable position. It is better to say "May I walk your dog

every morning?" or "Let me take you to radiation on Tuesdays."

* Keep things normal. Often we want to make life easier for someone dealing with a serious illness by "doing things" for them. It is a way of feeling useful at a time when we feel helpless but it's just as important to be sensitive to that person's wish to hang curtains, continue working, or cook dinner. For a person with cancer, having the ability to do normal "pre-cancer" tasks can lessen the sense that cancer is taking over one's life.

* Be receptive to your loved one's needs when treatment is over. Often this is the time that

people with cancer realize the enormity of what they have been through (prior to this,

they are deeply involved and distracted by the "work" of getting to treatment, tests, etc.)

At this time your loved one may not need rides to treatment, but will still need your

receptive ears.

* Be supportive of all treatment decisions the patient makes.

Australian National Association for Loss and Grief (http://www.grieflink.asn.au/cancer.html)

and Shelly Eyre at Central Utah Cancer Center

Copyright Brigham Young University 9 Oct 2006