Sarah Southerland was impressed with the young man who was willing to show his emotions after a touching Doctrine & Covenants class at BYU. So she hugged him, not realizing that would be the beginning of a horrific journey into a violent marriage.

Southerland, now an advocate for ending the violence, said her first husband beat her with baseball bats and golf clubs, so he wouldn’t hurt his hands. She said he raped her once a week and emotionally tormented her every day.

She has chosen to turn her experience into a tool to help other people in the same situation. She wrote a book called “Not Another Sarah,” and in it she details the terror she lived in for four months. She also offers com-fort to anyone who might be in a situation similar to hers.

Southerland’s story is not the typical BYU dating-to-marriage, happily-ever-after story, but it is reflective of a situation that happens far too often in both dating and marriage relationships. A 2005 study con-ducted by Dan Jones & Associates found that 86 percent of women say domestic violence is a serious community problem in Utah. The U.S. Department of Justice estimates 960,000 incidents of violence occur in relationships while another study in Population Reports estimates 3 mil-lion women are abused each year.

Southerland was one of those statistics until she eventually made a difficult choice to end her abusive marriage.

“You can choose to let [the abuser] win and be a victim the rest of your life or you can hold your head up and be a survivor,” said Lt. Arnold Lemmon, a BYU police officer.

Yet, leaving an abusive relation-ship doesn’t guarantee the victim is no longer wounded.

Abuse comes in many forms. Some are more obvious, with physical bruises and scars seen on the outside, but most of the abuse leaves emotional wounds that are much harder to mend than a black eye.

“When you’re told you’re stupid, ugly and fat, that’s how you think of yourself,” said Jennifer Jensen, an abuse survivor and now a BYU police officer. “You start to believe anything your spouse says. The hard thing is believing that you’re worth it. You really are worth it no matter how little you think of yourself.”

Jensen said she was married to an abusive drug-addict for 12 years. She married young but not in the temple. The violence in the marriage escalated to the point that, at one time, her husband pulled a gun out and threatened to kill her and their children, she said. He then turned the gun and said he would kill himself in front of the children so they would blame her for his death.

The police were called and one of them noticed bruising around Jensen’s wrists.

“If you don’t report this you could be dead someday, and if you’re not here, he’s going to turn on your kids,” Jensen said the officer told her. She said she never went forward with charges against her husband, but she did file police reports about the abuse.

Jensen said she used to pray her husband would change, but after the officer’s comments she began praying for the strength to be able to leave. Then, she said, things began falling into place. She said she knew leaving him was the right thing to do, and it was better for her, the children and him.

Why victims stay

Many victims choose to stay in abusive relationships for many reasons, according to the Utah Domestic Violence Council. Victims are worried about not having enough money to support themselves and any children they might have. They don’t want to be another statistic. They are afraid they won’t be believed, afraid of what the perpetrator will do and afraid they really are worthless.

“There were times I was worried,” Jensen said, “but the relief I felt from being away from him was just so huge, compared to worrying whether I had enough money to pay for the kids’ lunch. At that point it just doesn’t matter. Just that sense of relief I felt, it was worth everything I might go through and then some.”

Victims of domestic violence feel deep down that they are at fault for the abuse they endure, Jensen said. The truth is, the perpetrators are go-ing to abuse them even if the victims are compliant.

Southerland said her husband would often come up with a new rule she wasn’t following as a reason to make her feel stupid. She said she came home from a day of successful job-hunting only to have her husband accuse her of failing to make him feel loved and appreciated. Then, he beat her.

“My entire face was swollen like a chipmunk storing nuts in its cheeks,” Southerland said. “Both my eyes were bloodshot and blackened, and there were red tread marks on my cheeks that perfectly matched the pattern of his boot tread.”

At one point, Southerland said, her husband locked her in the closet for a week. She was released to take out the trash. But the trip to the trash became an escape as she ran to the nearest apartment and borrowed the phone from the surprised young man living there. He encouraged her to call her parents whom she hadn’t spoken to in months. They set up a place to meet and the young man drove there.

That was 10 years ago. Her ex-husband was charged with three felonies but pleaded guilty to two third-degree charges. He was sentenced to three years of probation, mandatory counseling and a fine. He no longer lives in Utah.

Southerland, now remarried and living in Salt Lake County, spends her time as an advocate for victims of domestic violence. Her Web site, www.notanothersarah.com, is a launching place for her organization to help fellow victims.

“A heart that was broken by abuse can love and be loved, a bad life can be made good, confidence destroyed can be rebuilt stronger, fear can be replaced by faith and hope can be reborn,” Southerland said.

Dating warning signs

Another survivor, who asked not to be identified for her safety, said her relationship with her abusive husband began rather normally. While they were dating, she said he was “really friendly, but just a little more pushy.”

“I thought, ‘Oh, he’s just a little bit controlling, but that will go away because this guy really likes me,’” she said.

Further along in their dating relationship, he told her what type of clothes to wear and how to wear her makeup. He isolated her from her family and friends.

“I started to lose who I was,” she said.

They eventually got married in the temple. She said the honeymoon part of their relationship didn’t last long. He abused her emotionally and made her feel like everything was her fault. He watched pornography and became sexually demanding. The physical abuse started after that.

“He started pushing me a little bit here and there, and then he started to grab my wrist. It happened so slowly,” she said. “You take off your clothes to get in the shower and you see a bruise and you think, ‘Wow, he really pushed me hard that time.’ Then you’re thinking ‘How did I get here?’”

What finally pushed her to leave was a moment of looking in the mirror. She said she no longer recognized herself. She had been looking at pictures of herself before she met him – when she was with friends and family – and she looked happy then.

“I realized I deserved so much better than this. I deserved to be treated like a daughter of Heavenly Father, and he’s not treating me like that,” she said.

She went to the police station to have her bruises photographed, kicked her husband out of the house and told him she wanted a divorce. Her husband repeatedly told her she was ruining his life, and he was sorry and wouldn’t do it again. She filed a protective order.

“By this time there were so many times he’d said he’s sorry,” she said. “I’m done. I deserve so much better. I want him out of my life.”

Even though her divorce is pending and she is attending support groups and therapy sessions, she said it’s still hard.

“I cry myself to sleep every night,” she said. “You’re so used to having that person around even though it’s such an unhealthy relationship.”

The advice she wished she had before getting married was to not compromise one’s standards just to avoid being alone. Velda McDonald, administrative director of Sandy Counseling agreed.

“There are worse things than being alone,” McDonald said. “Women in our society tend to feel incomplete. Remember, we are of worth and don’t have to settle.”

Editor's Note

Last fall, Utah County prosecutor Sherry Ragan told a group of women that 52 percent of abuse victims don’t report domestic abuse because they don’t think they will be believed. Last year, 28 people in Utah didn’t have to report it – the news media did it for them when they told the stories of how those victims died at the hands of their partners. That figure was down from 33 in 2005, but the numbers were still alarming when they were released in January. The information prompted Daily Universe reporter Brittany Duncan to plunge into an in-depth look at domestic violence. Is domestic violence a big issue at BYU? We would like to think that the thousands of happily married or dating couples on campus are immune to domestic violence and don’t need to hear about the problem. But the truth is that even a few people who experience abuse in a relationship is too many. This series gives an overview of the domestic violence issue (focusing on the most prevalent problem – men abusing women), looks at the help that is available for both the victim and the abuser, and offers advice on what the community can do to help. While it was not meant to be an exhaustive study of the issue, it does provide information that can help people – those in abusive relationships or those who know someone who is – make decisions that may keep them from becoming a domestic violence homicide statistic this year.

Copyright Brigham Young University 1 Mar 2007