Nine hundred billion dollars is a lot of money. It's $2,962.24 for every American. That’s more than the entire Iraq War has cost, and the U.N. estimates only $30 billion would solve world hunger. But apparently $900 billion is the price tag on the U.S. economy according to Obama's stimulus package. The house approved it (pork barrel and all), and sent it to the Senate, where many Senators have vowed to lower the package's price tag and cut the excess spending. But regardless of whether or not they shave off a billion or two, unless they strike gold or oil or diamonds (or all three), a boost anywhere near that expensive is going to mean a lifetime of debt for every taxpaying American. So much for the land of opportunity.
And yet, while we sit at home and dig deeper in debt, our tax money has been scattered across the nation, building and infrastructure programs in every state. This is a great road trip just waiting to happen – visiting all the sites we’ve already paid for. So grab two friends with good music taste and pack your things; it’s time to enjoy the stuff you’ve already been billed for. Statistically speaking, only one of the three of you will have supported the stimulus package. Make them sit in the back.
Start your trip in California, San Benito County. Find the park with new $50,000 fire pits and enjoy a s’more. Do the extra zeros make it taste better? If the smell of the smoke becomes too enticing and you pick up smoking, $75 million is going toward programs that can help you quit. Don’t leave until you visit the Chula Vista dog park, complete with $500,000 in covered areas and obstacle courses. If being out in the cold gets the better of you, hopefully the $870 million going to help fight the flu will help get you back on the road soon.
Next, head to Portland, Ore. and find a public school. While the bathrooms in those schools may seem normal now, just imagine how much better everyone’s quality of life will be after new low-flow toilets and urinals are installed.
After that, take the scenic highway to Vegas. Take note when passing through the areas where prostitution is legal — you’re paying $400 million for STD treatment and prevention. When you finally make it to the strip, careful not to blind your eyes on the extra-bright neon lights — $2 million worth of extra bright.
Once in Texas, head to Austin for a 36-hole round of Frisbee golf. Tell them not to charge you admission since you already paid $24,611 per hole.
Next, enjoy the scenic drive up to Nebraska. Some of those houses are pretty isolated, but rest assured those people won’t be without TV thanks to $650 billion worth of coupons for replacing old analog TVs, obsolete after Feb. 17. This will be a great topic of conversation over a game of golf in Lincoln. Be sure to admire the $3 million environmentally friendly clubhouse, and take comfort in the fact that it created a grand total of 54 jobs. Be careful not to take out a window, that environmental stuff costs a fortune to replace.
From Nebraska, head to Elk Run Road in Waterloo, Iowa. With $3 million, it should be wider than it was before. How many elk fit on it now?
Careful on your drive up to Minnesota. The state is already notorious for bad snowstorms, and with another $6 million in snow making machines, those conditions could be even worse. But if the weather is nice be sure you check out the $750,000 skate park. For that price I hope it doubles as a pool.
Rent some bikes in Grafton, Wisc. and enjoy the $2.3 million bicycle bridge. It must either be glass-bottomed or a zero-gravity experience to cost that much, so savor it.
As you pull through Illinois on your way to Indiana, take comfort knowing that while Illinois will undoubtedly also get money for ridiculous projects, a special amendment ensures none of the money will go to Gov. Rod Blagojevich.
In Indiana, take a walk on the $1.1 million multi-purpose trail along the Grand Calument River in East Chicago. Unless some of that money went to surveillance cameras and armed guards, I suggest a quick jog.
Next, head south to Louisiana, which should now have some of the best water slides and aquatic parks in the nation thanks to its $6 million budget. But careful not to speed; eight cops are getting new Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
If you’re starting to feel your potential life savings is going to waste, don’t fret. Not every ridiculously frivolous project that presented the façade of job growth got money. Swing by Edwardsville, Ala., population 194. Town officials there requested $375 million ($2 million per town resident) for a renewable energy museum, a scenic road and a vineyard. Hopefully, since their request was rejected, you can still find something to do there.
End your trip in the source of this mess, the nation’s capital. As you enter, take note: Does the air look different? It should look cleaner after $600 million was spent on fuel-efficient cars for government workers. If you don’t notice a difference, hopefully the $400 million that went to climate change research can show you some numbers that will persuade you.
Some of the things in the stimulus package will promote jobs, and could (if the wind is right) promote long-term economic growth. But those tiny pockets of productivity are swallowed in dozens of inexcusably irresponsible and wasteful projects, only a fraction of which are highlighted above. This cash trail is absurd for Washington and local politicians, both of whom are milking the stimulus scare for all it’s wroth — $900 billion dollars. This bill would push the federal debt toward the lowest levels since World War II.
Throwing money in the air and hoping people catch it and start working is not an economic strategy, just like driving from one overpriced project to another is not a vacation. This package is a sad excuse for actual economic reinforcement, but unless someone in Washington has the sense to restructure it and include some sound economic logic, pack your bags.
Abigail Shaha is an Issues and Ideas Editor at The Daily Universe.
Copyright Brigham Young University 6 Feb 2009
